Sermon for Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dear George Grande

You are the television announcer for the Cincinnati Reds, the most storied team in baseball. Us fans have to put up with you and have had to do so for years now. Sometimes, you say some pretty dumb things, so dumb that we can hear Chris Welsh's eyes rolling through our television screens.

Now, being the announcer for a team with such a rich baseball tradition requires a certain standard of quality that some of us fans find lacking in your broadcasts, so I'd like to give you some advice before someone jumps through their television screen and strangles you.

1. Don't call Albert Pujols "Prince Albert." Have Chris explain what it means to you.

2. Don't say that popups are "well hit." They aren't.

3. The show is called "Best Damn Sports Show Period." God will not strike you down for saying damn. The damn show has the damn word "damn" in it, so please call the damn show by its damn name, goddamnit.

4. Don't scream with excitement "that's gonna be fair!" when the opposing team hits the ball. Let me remind you, you are the REDS announcer. Don't get excited when the opposing team does ANYTHING good.

5. Take a lesson from Marty - when a player sucks roycelly, like Majewski, Clayton, or whoever is Krivsky's picked-off-the-trash-pile player of the week, don't spend ten years talking about how good his stuff is, how much of a leader he is, or what a great career he's had. A rose is a rose is a rose, even when it's dead and rotting.

6. If you think a ball is going to go out of the park, let Chris call it. I'm tired of you acting like popups are going over the fence.

7. Mario, as in Reds great Soto, rhymes with R.E.O., not mare-e-o like a female horse.

8. Royce Clayton sux. No amount of praise about his years with every team in MLB will change the fact that he oozes McSuckiness.

9. Don't say "what a night for..." when a player gets his second hit in the third inning. There are still six innings after that, and he could end up losing the game for the team later on.

10. Speaking of third innings, don't say a pitcher is throwing a no-hitter if he hasn't given up a hit through three innings. The third inning is not even "don't jinx it" territory.

11. Bloop (tr.v.) - To hit (a ball) into the air just beyond the infield. A flyball is not a bloop. A popup is not a bloop. A line drive is not a bloop. You can't bloop a ball over the fence. You can't bloop a ball foul. You can't bloop a ball over an outfielder's head. A bloop is hit softly with just enough height to get over the heads of the infielders.

12. Speaking of height, the word is height, not heighth. I doubt you've been reading Milton, which is about the only place you may still find the word with an H attached at the end, although even he might be too late in the development of the English langauage. Oh, and by Milton, I mean John, not Eric. Somehow I don't think Eric sits around writing verse. His pitching isn't very poetic either, though if he doesn't pitch well in these next two months, the Reds may just experience paradise lost. (Badabing, thank you, thank you very much.)

13. When Chris makes fun of you on the air, don't keep talking about whatever made Chris make fun of you in the first place.

14. GET UPSET! When a pitcher gives up 5 runs in the first inning in the most important game of the year, there is NOTHING good about that, no at least..., no despite a good..., and no the Cardinals do some damage. It's not some damage, it's winning the game in the first inning.

15. Speaking of damage, if the Reds are down by five runs and they get a run in an inning, please do not say "the Reds do some damage" like they've just won the game. It's a barely noticeable scratch in the paint job, not a massive dent.

16. "That's...gonna...be...gone!" is the worst homerun catchphrase in all of baseball. On every planet in the universe.

17. Please stop telling us wrong information, like three runs score when only two are in, or there are two outs when there is only one, or Aurilia is starting at second when he's at third, or the Reds bullpen is good.

18. When a player is past his prime, stop talking about him like he's still in his prime. When a player never had a prime, like Rolls Royce Hands of McClayton, don't talk about him like he's Ozzie in the eighties.

19. Stop talking. Seriously, just stop. We can see what's happening on television.

20. There's an old saying in Cincinnati - I know it's in Texas, probably in Cincinnati - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again. Oh, wait, that's a different George.