YES WE CAN

They say sports are a microcosm of life.  I have always thought that was a peculiar statement.  For the most part, there are no parallels between "real life" and the playground that is the sports world.  Most of us will never know what it is like to be Manny Ramirez, with potential employers drooling all over themselves to obtain our services; we will never be as lucky as Adam "Pacman" Jones who has been given chance after chance to succeed; we will never own a room the way LeBron James owns a basketball court.

No, the only thing we share (or so we think) with the athletes we sometimes revolve our lives around is the feeling of winning a championship.  A week ago today, we watched the Boston Celtics raise the franchise's 17^th championship banner as their fans froze in awe, applauded, laughed, cried; possibly all of the above.  I watched that ceremony, and thought to myself, "Damn, I wish I could remember what that feels like."

I consider myself primarily a Bulls and Bengals fan.  Well, I was twelve years old the last time Jordan's Bulls took home the gold in 1998, which would be fine if I remembered anything that happened before the age of 15, and we all know the Bengals have not won anything... ever.  As I watched the Celtics giddily accept their rings and all of their joyous fans cheering them on, an indescribable feeling swept across my body.  It was a combination of jealousy, anger, a sense of congratulatory gladness for the Celtics' vets, and, most of all, hope.

 

Fast forward to November 4, 2008, a date that will go down in history as the day the United States of America rose above hundreds of years of bigotry, racism and ignorance to elect Barack Obama this country's first African-American president.

When the news hit that Obama had won the presidency, I put myself in the shoes of those Celtics fans.  For the time in my life, I saw sports as a microcosm of real life.  Again, I found myself overcome by a wave of pure emotion.  This time, instead of the anger and jealousy, I stood in front of the television frozen in awe.  I applauded the moment, slapping my hands together for a man that I knew could not hear me.  I did not care.  Then I let out one of those "What the hell just happened" laughs; one of those "Okay, I should be waking up any second now" laughs. 

Finally, came the tears-well, tear-of joy... no a tear of hope.  As of tonight, because of what this great nation of ours has done what many thought they could never do and because of Barack Obama, every single American can wake up November 5, 2008 with the hope that not even the sky can limit our dreams and our hopes. 

So if sports are indeed a microcosm of the world we live in, then we all should feel good about our fates as fans.  Even the most cynical, longest suffering person or fan can look in the mirror as he puts on his finest suit in hopes of rising to new personal heights or his worn down Chicago Cubs ball cap, smile and recite the familiar motto of the Obama campaign.  "Yes, we can."

Yes, we can, rise above any obstacle standing in our path.  Yes, we can achieve the dreams that Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke of forty years ago.  Yes, we can be whatever it is we desire to be; we can change the world if we yearn to do so.  And yes, yes we can find ourselves one day sitting in a packed stadium or arena watching a banner being raised to the sky.

For the first time in my life, as Barack Obama masterfully accepted the presidency and I flicked that lonely tear away with my fingertips, I truly felt as Kevin Garnett must have felt that night he tilted his head to the heavens and let loose a loud, powerful yet heartfelt proclamation: 

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. 

YOU STAY CLASSY, PHILADELPHIA

So, I noticed that the NHL (that’s National Hockey League for you non-hockey enthusiasts) began regular season play in Prague—yes, Prague—this afternoon and I found myself moderately excited.  I love hockey, especially in the playoffs, more so than European football (I have become a big fan of “soccer”) and definitely more so than baseball and especially NASCAR.

The problem is that I do not have a NHL team.  I have a NBA team (Da Bulls), a NFL team (Ben-Gals), a college football team (The “U”), a baseball team (ChiSox) and even a soccer team (Manchester United), yet no hockey team.  What’s up wit dat?

Well, as a young lad, I was somewhat of a hockey-whore, shamelessly seduced by team to team to team.  I hopped into bed with the Blackhawks (I’m a Chicago Kid, after all), Quebec Nordiques (best uniforms EVER), New York Rangers (blatantly on the 1994 bandwagon) Detroit Red Wings (Gotta love the Red Army line), Vancouver Canucks (I had a Pavel Bure poster and everything) Philadelphia Flyers (Eric Lindros… don’t laugh), Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (Paul Kariya, Teemu Selanne and Coach Bombay’s triple-deke), Calgary Flames (Jarome Iginla and because they used to be General Sherman’s Atlanta Flames)… basically whoever I found sexiest at the moment.  But like a hooker who has suddenly found Jesus, I am ready to settle down.  However, this will not be an easy task for Dan E. being Dan E.  

First of all, there are thirty NHL franchises to choose from (I so did not know that) and second, I am a picky lover.  Certain needs need to be met in order for me to commit myself to a hockey franchise.  Here are my requirements…

1)      If I at any time I blatantly disliked a team, they are out.  No questions asked.

2)      The team must have some history; meaning they must have been around for the majority of my life (let’s just say 20 years).

3)      The team’s uniforms absolutely cannot be ugly.  I refuse to rock ugly gear.

4)      If the opportunity arises, I need to reasonably be able to (and want to) make a trip to that city for a game.  (SPOILER ALERT!  I ain’t stepping foot in Edmonton for any reason.)

5)      Some semblance of star power is a must.

Get it?  Got it?  Good.  Here we go with the selection process…  I am sure you care…

TEAMS ELIMNATED BECAUSE I PLAIN HATE THEM

·         New Jersey Devils- Their “neutral zone trap” ruined hockey.  People who find hockey boring can blame the Devils.  For the record, the new NHL rules have all but made this overly-defensive style of play, in the words of broadcasting legend Emmitt Smith, “none and void.”  Thank God.

·         Colorado Avalanche- Stole the Nordiques away from me and the beautiful people of Quebec City, moved to Denver, became the Avalanche and unveiled a confusingly ugly color scheme/uniform.  How dare they.  Also, Claude Lemieux was a huge part of their success…  ‘Nuff said.  Plus, I always thought Patrick Roy was an arrogant prick, though this blast on Jeremy Roenick back in the day was fantastic…

·         Detroit Red Wings- They were the anti-Devils back in the day, with all of their skilled Europeans skating around actually trying to score goals.  They were always labeled as soft, because they were.  Then they sacked up and became the Yankees of hockey.  They were more fun as losers. 

TEAMS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN AROUND THE REQUISITE 20 YEARS

·         Columbus Blue Jackets- Living in Cincinnati, the Jackets are probably the most convenient choice from a TV/potential to attend a game standpoint, but they have only been around since like last month, right?  Plus, I know what a Blue Jacket is, and I do not want to have to think about the Civil War every time I watch my team play.  Just sayin’.

·         Nashville Predators, Atlanta Thrashers, Minnesota Wild- To paraphrase a quote from the movie Juno, “Your name is stupid; grow up.”

·         Carolina Hurricanes, Phoenix Coyotes- Used to be the Hartford Whalers and Winnipeg Jets respectively.  You are telling me that the citizens of Raleigh and Phoenix enjoy hockey more than those in Hartford and Winnipeg?  Ridiculous

·         Florida Panthers- True story: While playing EA’s NHL 94 (or 95, don’t remember which), I remember stumbling across the Panthers and thinking that they were some type of fake create-a-team… they’re not.  The question is, Miami doesn’t support the Marlins and can barely support the Heat, Hurricanes and Dolphins.  Who the heck thought bringing hockey to the worst sports town in America was a good idea?

·         San Jose Sharks and Tampa Bay Lightning- Both of these teams have been around much longer than I thought, but still not quite long enough.

·         Dallas Stars- The Minnesota North Stars logo was one of the coolest in sports.  Dallas took that away from us.  They’re out.

·         Anaheim Ducks- This was the toughest omission, you know, because of the movies, though made easier when they dropped the “Mighty” from their name and started wearing ugly jerseys.  They did win a Stanley Cup in those monstrosities, however, so maybe it was worth it. Anyway, because everytime I mention anything hockey related, it is in my contract to include a clip from a Mighty Ducks movie, fast forward to the 2:00 mark of this classic scene from D2: The Mighty Ducks and tell me A) that that's not inspiring and B) those Ducks jerseys weren't the coolest thing to hit Anaheim... well... ever. Quack, quack, quack.

TEAMS ELIMINATED FOR UNIFORM REASONS

• Vancouver Canucks- Their uniforms aren’t necessary fugly, in fact, I kinda dig them.  I will just always think of the Canucks as the team wearing the Pavel Bure Era black and golds.  Ah, the good ol’ days.  Speaking of the terrific 1994 Stanley Cup Finals…

• New York Rangers- Just not a fan of the diagonal “RANGERS” jersey.  Plus, what is a “ranger?”  If I cared I would look it up, but I don’t, so there.

AIN’T NO WAY I’M GOING THERE JUST FOR A GAME

• Calgary Flames, Edmonton Oilers- Not a big fan Canadian cities that I cannot find on a map located in a province (Alberta) that sounds like it is named after a disgusting female body builder with a fuzzy upper lip.  Gross. 

LACKING IN STAR POWER

·         New York Islanders- This team once won four straight Stanley Cups.  No, seriously.

·         Los Angeles Kings- At least the Gretzky Era was fun.

 

RECAP TIME

Okay, we are down to the top ten.  Congratulations to the following teams for advancing to the next round:

·         Boston Bruins

·         Buffalo Sabres

·         Chicago Blackhawks

·         Montreal Canadiens

·         Ottawa Senators

·         Philadelphia Flyers

·         Pittsburgh Penguins

·         St. Louis Blues

·         Toronto Maple Leafs

·         Washington Capitals

 

 

THE TOP TEN

 

10) St. Louis Blues

WHAT I DIG:

St. Louis Blues is a fantastic name on par with the New Orleans Jazz, and their jerseys and color schemes have always been spectacular.  St. Louis, while not tops on my list of great American cities, is still a relatively cool place.  Also, I just found out that the Blues employ two of my favorite hockey players of all-time in Keith Tkachuk and Paul Kariya.  Fun times.

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

Uh, the Blues suck.  In 2005, I would have been fine with this, but nowadays, my Hurricanes suck, my Bulls kinda suck and my Bengals really suck; I cannot afford to take on another crappy team.  Sorry, that’s just how I roll these days.

 

9) Philadelphia Flyers

WHAT I DIG:

Philadelphia is one of my favorite cities, and since I have family there, I would have the opportunity to go to at least a game a year.  Plus they wear orange and black which I find kind of cool.

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

I once spent my hard-earned chore money on an Eric Lindros jersey.  A week later, I returned it and bought some new basketball shoes, but still…

 

8) Ottawa Senators

WHAT I DIG:

Traditionally the Sens are fun to watch; so much so that I fudged the 20-year requirement (the original Ottawa Senators were hockey beasts back when hockey was relatively new, but folded sometime like 8,000 years ago.  They were brought back in 1992, but  when you add up the 16 years the new Senators have been around and how many ever years the old Senators were around, that’s more than twenty years, right?  Work with me on this). Their uniforms are usually top-notch as well, and I LOVED Ottawa the one afternoon I was there.

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

Traditionally they are ****.  While I love ****, I do not want a collection of **** donning my team’s hockey uniforms.  Plus, their best player, Dany Heatley, killed a former teammate in a car accident a few years ago.  Bad karma.

 

7) Pittsburgh Penguins

WHAT I DIG:

Love Crosby.  Love Malkin more.  Loved Super Mario and loved Jaromir Jagr’s massive mullet.  Love the logo.  Love the powder blue throwbacks…  Seems like the perfect choice for a hockey club, no?

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

Are you kidding?  It’s ****ing Pittsburgh!

 

6) Washington Capitals

WHAT I DIG:

Alexander Ovechkin

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

Call me petty, vindictive or whatever, but back when I lived in the D.C. area, Capitals games used to take Fox Sports radio off the air—hey, I really like the big-eared guy’s show, ok?  Deal with it—and I never forgave the Caps for that.  And yes, seriously, that is the lone reason.

 

5) Boston Bruins

WHAT I DIG:

They have a nice nucleus of young players from what I hear, and are under new management who actually gives a crap about winning.  Plus if you are an Original 6 franchise, you get bonus points.

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN:

I basically just described the Chicago Blackhawks, only the Blackhawks do not reside in a city filled with pretentious a-holes with goofy accents.  “How you like dem apples, Boston?”

 

4) Buffalo Sabres

WHAT I DIG:

Because they are in such a small market, they will always kind of have the underdog thing working for them.  They have super cool unis, and, best yet, Pat La-La-La-La-Lafontaine played for them.  Also, I can make a trip to see a game without actually having to stay in Buffalo.  I have about 100 family members (literally) in nearby Rochester, and Toronto is pretty much right across the border.  Fun freaking times!

WHY I WON’T BE A FAN

Because the Brett Hull “foot in the crease” goal happened ten years ago and their fans are still whining like little school girl bitches about it.  Get over it.

 

 

MAPLE LEAFS vs. BLACKHAWKS vs. CANADIENS

Okay, I know you are giddy, I know I am.  As I type this, I don’t even know who my choice will be, so I know for a fact that you don’t.  Oh the human drama of picking a new franchise.  All three of these teams meet all of the criteria.  I have never disliked any of these teams (remember, I was actually a ‘Hawks “fan” at one point), all three are “Original Six” franchises, so there’s plenty of history there, their uniforms are classically beautiful, and from what little I know about hockey, both teams are decent-ish.  Let us break it down in more depth.

 

DISLIKABILITY FACTOR

I cannot recall ever remotely hating the Canadiens, Leafs or the Blackhawks, oftentimes finding myself rooting for these teams.  Well, that solved nothing. 

Advantage:

 

HISTORY

From what I can tell, neither the Blackhawks nor the Maple Leafs has hoisted the Cup in quite awhile.  I am too lazy to look up the exact years (hey, I am not a fan yet), but it has to have been since at least the ‘70s for both, right?  ‘60s perhaps?

The Habs (Canadiens) are a different animal.  They won pretty much every Stanley Cup from 1950-1980 according to A Not At All Accurate Brief Summary of NHL History (available at a bookstore nowhere near you), but have not hoisted The Cup since 1993.  That said, amazingly, the Canadiens have won a Cup in EVERY SINGLE DECADE until this one (it’s now or never, baby).  So, becoming a Canadiens fan in 2008 is like becoming a Yankees fan in 1995.  You are jumping on a bandwagon, but you at least feel a little better about it because the team is going through a “dry spell.”  Either way, the fact that Montreal has been obnoxiously good over the years actually works against them, in this case.

Anyway, these teams have been around forever (I believe they provided entertainment for British and American troops during the French & Indian War), so it really comes down to memorable players. 

Now hardcore hockey fans may point their fingers and laugh at me, but when I think of legendary Toronto Maple Leafs, I think of Mats Sundin.  That’s it, that’s the list.  Now, I know for a fact that there are those more worthy than Sundin; I just seriously do not know who they are.

The Blackhawks had Bobby Hull.  I am pretty sure that he was good, and his son, Brett turned his back on Canada to help the U.S. win some international tournament ten years ago, so that’s pretty awesome.  Also, Chicago had Chris Chelios and Jeremy Roenick, the Blackhawks of my youth.  Anytime J.R. is involved, the edge goes to his side, especially when Patrick Roy is mentioned as a Montreal Canadien all-time great.

Advantage:

UNIFORMS

We all know who’s not going to win…

 

Okay, so that leaves this....

and this...

I love both Montreal and Chicago sweaters, but Montreal gets the edge because of their logo, honoring the team’s “official” name, “Club de Hockey Canadien.”

Advantage:  

VIEWABILITY (is that a word?)

I have already stated that once I bust out of Cincinnati, I am moving to Chicago, Toronto or England.  England does not have a NHL team, so it is down to Chicago and Toronto, should I go that route. 

Should I remain in Southwest Ohio, Chicago is a short-ish six hour drive away, while Toronto is more like eight-to-nine and you have to deal with crossing the border and all of that crap.  Chicago has that going for it.

Then again, if John McCain wins this election, Canada suddenly comes into play.  I would love to visit Montreal, but if I did so it would be during the summer when it’s not -300 degrees outside, meaning I would never actually live there or have an opportunity to see a hockey game there; that and the fact that I don’t speak French. 

Realistically, Toronto is the only Canadian city I would consider inhabiting, and remains a desirable vacation destination even during the winter months—Toronto is no colder than Chicago or Upstate New York.

Ugh, I am torn.  Screw it…

Advantage:

 

STAR POWER

I don’t mean to ruin the suspense, but Toronto ain’t winning this round.

As briefly alluded to earlier, the Blackhawks, who have been miserable for years, are following in the footsteps of the Pittsburgh Penguins and Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays in that they have stockpiled young players who, according to numerous magazines, are ready to burst onto the scene this year.  I’m not going to lie, if I were a Blackhawks fan—and for all you know I might be at this point—the Kane-Toews Era would have me all giddy and what not.

That said, the Canadiens, along with Detroit and Pittsburgh, are favorites to win it all this season—again with that 1995 going into ’96 Yankees analogy—and Alexei Kovalev has been one of my favorites since he played for the 1994 Rangers.  He plays for the Canadiens now.

Advantage:

Okay, that solved nothing except eliminate the Maple Leafs from the fray.  At this point, I am just going to have to put myself out there and pick a team.  I will probably immediately regret this decision, but…  Drum roll please…

Hey, how can you blame me?  I am a black hat kind of guy, and who wears the black hat better than the big, bad Montreal Canadiens? And yes, that's Patrick Roy.

LIGHTS OUT?

According to this story, San Diego Chargers linebacker, Shawne Merriman has an IQ of 4.  Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I have one face for San Diego's most dangerous steroid user defensive weapon, and it is this face...

Shawne, I know you will never read this, but just in case you do, dude, WHAT THE ****?  You really want to go out and risk your career (not to mention millions upon millions of dollars) for one shot at a Super Bowl? Really? Lights Out, you are one of my favorite steroid users players in the league and my favorite defensive player to use in the Madden game (just blitz 56 every play), so if your career ends because of your stubbornness, my Madden career research on performance enhancement life will be severly altered.

And if this is about proving, you are some type of tough guy, stop. We all know you are a tough guy, Merriman; you can't play linebacker (well) in the NFL without being a tough dude.

So, please, Mr. Merriman, sir, get the surgery, come back next year.  After all, we all need more of this in our lives...

 

 

 

Oh wait... I meant this...

 

 

 

BEHOLD THE MAGIC HAT

Last night, my good friend Steven, The GFC (Girlfriend Character) and I ventured off to the local establishment known as The Fox & Hound for some good ol' Tuesday night alcohol consumption.  I did not know this going in, but apparently Tuesday is kind of a big deal at Fox (as we call it) for reasons I am unaware of at this time.  This bar was packed with 21-25 year old Mason and Sycamore grads, so let's just say there was a lot of... ummm... talent in the building.  Unfortunately, The GFC was with me, so my chances of slipping into some random hotness were about as good as the Canadians dominating the Summer Olympics.

I do fancy myself a rather good-looking lad; however, and even in my plain white V-neck t-shirt, jeans, white shoes and white Jordan cap, I was getting eye-f***ed pretty much the entire evening.  Well, it turns out I am not as pretty as I thought I was (well, maybe I am... who knows). No, the truth is, chicks really dig my hat.

Like most guys my age, I have explored every realistic and not-embarrassing option when it comes to picking up girls. I have kept myself well-groomed, taken advice from friends, read girl magazines to understand how the female mind works; I've even read a book about "gaming" girls and applied those techniques in the field. Little did I know, all I had to do was wear the white version of this hat (see above) everywhere.

I was trying to find my good friend Steven, temporarily abandoning The GFC, when this uncoachable young lady literally grabbed me by the brim of my hat. She went on to massage and play with the brim of my cap, moving it from side to side on my semi-shaved head.

"You like my hat, I presume," I said, trying to decide if I should step my game up or not. She nodded and smiled happily and played some more. It was the most pleasurably awkard ten seconds of my life.

"It's hot, and you're cute," she said in that typical high-pitched drunk girl voice.

"Thanks," I said. All I had to do was throw this article of white goodness on her pretty little head, drop a canned line, and she would have been mine for the evening. Alas, that's not how I roll these days; cheating on my GFCs just is not my style anymore.

As I said my goodbyes and walked away, she took one last tug at my hat and massaged it again. It was awesome.

This isn't the first time my hat has brought me this type of random success. A similar chain of events occured about three weeks ago down at Mainstrauss and about a year ago at a party in Washington, DC.

So, fellas, if you need to borrow this Magic Hat, I will lend it to you at a charge of $10 per night. Trust me from experience, you will definitely get a return on your investment.