A Cardiologist died and was going to have an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy the heart opened, and the caskett rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever .

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said "Im sorry I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted...

1: Under NO circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
> >
> > 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
> > (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
> > (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her shirt.
> > (c) After wrecking your boss's car.
> > (d) When she is using her teeth.
> >
> > 3: Any man who brings a camera to a guys night may legally be killed.
> >
> > 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
> >
> > 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
> >
> > 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
> >
> > 7: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
> >
> > 8: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
> >
> > 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
> >
> > 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
> >
> > 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
> >
> > 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
> >
> > 13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
> >
> > 14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
> >
> > 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
> >
> > 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
> >
> > 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
> >
> > 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
> >
> > 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
> >
> > 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
> >
> > 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
> >
> > 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex: The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
> >
> > 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
> >
> > 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, orange or sky blue.
> >
> > 25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
> >
> > 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
> >
> > 27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
> >
> > "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
> >
> > "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the **** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Aussie fined for buckling beer, not kid

Australia (AP) — An Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car's floor, police said Tuesday. Constable Wayne Burnett said he was "shocked and appalled" when he pulled over the unregistered car Friday in the central Australian town of Alice Springs. The 30-can beer case was strapped in between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, but on the car's floor. "The child was sitting in the lump in the center, unrestrained," Burnett told reporters Tuesday. "I haven't ever seen something like this before," he said. "This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child." FIND MORE STORIES IN: Australia | Alice Springs The driver was fined $710 for driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle and for failing to ensure a child was wearing a safety belt. Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Aussie fined for buckling beer, not kid - USATODAY.com