THE DEVASTATION IS LIKELY MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE
I'm on vacation, out of town, and in all probability, not updating the blog.  Marc Amazon is in for me Monday, Brunker on Tuesday.  I make my triumphant return on Wednesday.  In the meantime, three things to hold you over....

Some advice for dealing with long distance relationships.

The greatest individual performance in college basketball history, from perhaps the greatest night of my life.

This.

I COULD PRETEND TO BE ABOVE THIS TYPE OF HUMOR
But why bother.  Meet the University of North Carolina's newest wrestler.

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NOT REALLY BUYING THAT THIS CHICK IS FROM BOSTON
The Celtics' cheerleading tryouts are worth a look.

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LISTEN TO MY SHOW. OR I WILL KILL OUR INTERN.
You don't want that on your hands do you?

-Anybody at the Dragons fight last night? Trying to track down someone who was there.

-The job of the US Army and the Department of Defense is to defend the country and kill enemies of the United States. Its job is not maintaining fairness. Its job is not making sure the Detroit Lions have a solid draft. Caleb Campbell knows this (and is handling all of this with a great amount of class), and thus we should have no qualms with the decision to make him serve.

-If the Reds starting rotation consists of Harang, Arroyo, Volquez, Cueto, and Bailey, I'd imagine the combined salaries will equal close to $22 million. The average age will be less than 27 years old. So, why are we talking about trading Arroyo again?

-If the philosophy is going to be trade guys while the stock is high, shouldn't the Reds be moving Brandon Phillips? What about Edinson Volquez? Should Aaron Harang have been moved last year? You can make the argument that the Oakland A's do this, and that's fine. But you know what the Oakland A's haven't done since 1990? Won but one postseason series. And no one goes to their games because the fans know as soon as their favorite players "stock gets high," they're gonna be gone.

-Frank Shamrock is with us at 10:20 to preview the EliteXC card on CBS.

-Should I be creeped out that my producer wants to win this?

-If they feel it's a good fit, why shouldn't the Yankees sign Barry Bonds?

-I have a job for Chuges. Go to Reds game, and get the Cincinnati equivalent of this.

-Lance touched on this yesterday, and most who understand the criteria get why this is the case, but ESPN got it right in ranking UC and Xavier.

-I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff, but I love what I read about Mike Zimmer.

WANNA EAT DINNER WITH THIS WOMAN?

You may remember Amy Z from Speed-dating with Chuges. She's raising money so she can participate in a 3-Day 60 Mile Breast Cancer Walk from Aug. 8-10 in Chicago.

If you're looking for somewhere to have dinner tonight, then get to Applebee's in Crestview Hills. If you present a flyer for the walk (which you can pick up there), 10% of your bill will go towards the walk. It lasts from 5-9, at 30 Crestview Hills Mall Road, Crestview Hills, KY 41017.

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THEY SERVE BEER IN ANDERSON, SO WE'RE COMING TO ANDERSON
Our second and final non-Church on the Thank God For Alcohol Tour takes us to the east side for Greater Anderson Days. It's not a church fest, but the money raised is going to two great places....the Anderson Township Fireman's Association and the Anderson Township Parks Playground Fund. We'll have the usual...beer, food, gambling, rides, and music from the Rumpke Mountain Boys.

Next week has us at the St. John Family Festival in West Chester.

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THIS WOMAN MIGHT MAKE ME RE-DO THE TOP 153
Or I might just find 153 pictures of her and put them together. This woman, who they're calling Françoise is just freaking awesome.

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A NEW TYPE OF GUY FOR ME TO HATE
First it was metrosexuals, now it's gastrosexuals.

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THANK YOU, PHIL TAYLOR
While every other writer continues to wax poetic about the demise of the House that Steinbrenner Remodeled, one SI writer does Shea Stadium justice.

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CHRISTIE DUTTON, MOVE OVER.
I now have a new favorite weather girl. Meet Mayte Carranco.

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PHE. NOM. EN. AL.
Joanna Krupa is a model. She is also a big spokesperson for PETA, which sucks. But I do like this quote from her.

"I would rather go naked than wear fur"

I think we're all cool with that. Check her out at on205th.

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RELAX, BEARCAT FANS.
I know Lance is gonna talk about this today, but I want to weigh in. As a UC diehard, my knee-jerk to Xavier being ranked ahead of UC on ESPN's silly list of the most prestigious programs since 1984 was kind of like when I heard someone tell Estelle Getty died the other day. Stunned.

For the record, I thought Estelle Getty died years ago.

The list covers the period of 1984 -2008. Xavier went to the NCAA Tournament every year from 1986 -1991. UC hoops was as unprestigious as can be during that time. I think the polar opposite of of prestigious is irrelevant. That's also roughly a third of the span ESPN is looking at here.

It also covers the three years post-Huggins. UC has not made an NCAA Tournament in those three years. XU has in all three.

As UC fans, we focus on the Huggins years. 14 straight NCAAs, the Final Four, Three Eilte Eights, four Sweet Sixteens. Enough to put them on the top 20 of the list (19 to be exact). Prestigious. During that time, XU was pretty good too, while not making a Final Four, making the dance regularly, and only posting one losing year.

So we fire off the nasty e-mails to ESPN (got one e-mail asking me to join in already), consider that nearly half of the time ESPN is covering here was either pre or post Huggins, when XU has excelled.

Besides, it's a silly list anyway.

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REMEMBERING THE PINE TAR GAME
C. Trent wrote about the 25th anniversary of the Pine Tar game. The Baseball Bunch offered up a stirred reenactment of it. The highlight is clearly the look on Johnny Bench's face as the San Diego Chicken appears and you can almost see what number 5 is thinking....

"Would Gary Carter don a satin jacket and act with a chicken? Would Ozzie Virgil? Carlton Fisk? Bob Boone? Steve Yeager? Andy Kennedy? Would Ted Simmons stoop to this level? I'm Johnny F**king Bench. And kids, don't think for a second I'm signing any of your s**t. Pete wouldn't even accept this gig. Where's my agent?"

Anyway, enjoy.

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OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT THE GAMES ARE BORING....
And that no one with a pulse likes women's basketball, and that the public is tired of having the league crammed down their collective throats, here's why no one takes the WNBA seriously.

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ANNOYING CO-WORKER #81
When your team, who you've lived and died with since you were six years old is tied for first and playing the team they're tied with in an afternoon tilt, and you're listening to the game on the internet and reacting loudly with every pitch and curse when your team's starter walks Ryan Howard, and then bang your desk and yell in excitement when your teams reliever retires Jason Werth to get out of a jam to end the eigth, and you beg your clubs shortstop to get a bunt down, this co-worker pops his head in your office, wonders what all the commotion is and says "Dude, it's only July."

God, I feel sorry for people who don't like sports.

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AH, PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES.
From Chicago Bear Devin Hester

"I can't go out and play this year making $445,000. Come on, man."

(Stolen from The Big Lead)

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I HAVE A NEW FAVORITE MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
It's the Lowell Spinners, who tonight are offering up Politcally Incorrect Night, which is just tremendous. Among the offerings....

The stadium will have `men only' entrances to the game because men are obviously the superior creatures
- The first 250 women to attend the game will be given Lowell Spinners potholders so that they can properly cook dinner for their husbands
- There will be designated napping areas around the park available for all senior citizens to `rest their eyes' because old people get tired quickly
- Fans are encouraged to drive to the game separately and will be given complimentary gas cards in an effort to use up as much gas as possible
- Cars will be needlessly driven between innings as a tribute to gas guzzlers

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AUDRINA FROM "THE HILLS" IS JUST F***ING INCREDIBLE
You're welcome. You're welcome some more. Who loves you?

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WHO SHOULD PLAY THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW?
Food Court Lunch takes a look at the candidates, gives the pros and cons of each, and breaks down the odds. They assess The Boss's odds of performing at the half....

Bruce Springsteen: 4 to 1

Pros: Would give the greatest performance in Super Bowl history.
Cons: Just seems like the natural choice. So much so that you can’t help but think he’s been asked to do it every year, and the conversation has always gone something like this:

NFL: Come on, Bruce, please play the Super Bowl?
Boss: No dice.
NFL: But why?
Boss: Because I’m awesome.

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STUFF. LISTEN.
-The Reds have a guy who'll be 32 years old next year who's on pace to win 13-14 games. Why would you be all that excited about trading him?

-Listener needs our help....

Mo

I'd like your opinion on one thing if you don't mind.

-I like this list. Got anything to add?

180 MINUTES OF INCREDIBLE RADIO. ACTUALLY, NO I'M ON TODAY

-Welcome Deadspin Readers, your Erin Andrews post is here. Enjoy your stay.

-Perhaps the largest sports-related temper tantrum I've ever thrown took place last night. I would take the Reds bullpen right now over that bunch. If you live anywhere within the vicinity of Old Sharonville, I apologize.

-Nice win last night. Cueto was really good, and you have to give it up to the Reds bullpen, but Dusty's logic still drives me nuts...

Valentin is hitting 5-for-10 off San Diego starter Jake Peavy. Corey Patterson is 6-for-11 off Peavy. "I thought about starting Corey," Baker said. "But his last two starts would be against C.C. (Sabathia) and Peavy. That's not fair."

So after last night's win Dusty took the boys to the Whippy-Dip? Did everyone get their one at-bat and two innings in the field? Amazing.

-Are the Bengals all that much better on July 23rd than they were on December 30th? Here's my hard hitting definitive opinion....I don't know.

-In a league where your backup QB is one play from running the show, why are we so cavalier about who the Bengals backup quarterback is? Are we so set on the fact that this team is screwed no matter what if Carson goes down that we don't care who the second guy is? How would we feel if Ryan Fitzpatrick had to win a game? This is a bigger deal than people realize.

-The guy who invented the save died this week. Is that the most meaningless stat in sports? Is it the sack? Batting average? Is there a meaningless stat in hoops?

-The headline says "Brawl Marson End of Sparks' Victory." Can something no one cares about be marred?

-Sorry Buckeye fans, as long as USC keeps rolling out Song Girls like this, I'm gonna take Carson Palmer's side. Does Ohio State have an equivalent?

-Stephen A. Smith drives me nuts sometimes, but this is a good, and I think though-provoking column.  Many chide today's athletes for not being very outspoken on political or social issues.  Should they?  We just spent two days talking about or local quarterback weighing in on a college football game.  He had to apologize and retract.  Imagine had he made a comment about something actually important.

IF YOU BUY AN iBEER YOU PROBABLY NEED AN iWOMAN
This is not only lame, but this dude's makes the UPS Markerboard guy seem slightly less creepy.

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THIS SUMMER'S SONG THAT MAKES ME WANT TO SLICE MY EARS OFF
Kate Perry, I get it. You kissed a girl. You liked it. It's shocking. Woooo. What you see here is nearly impossible. A pillow fight among chicks is breaking out, yet this woman's voice is so awful, her screaming is so bad, that you don't even notice. It's particularly awful when your office is next to the guy who programs the station that plays this song. A lot.

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JESUS + MICHAEL McDONALD = THIS GUY
He's actually one of a handful of guys the boys at Uncoached would love to roll with.

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ERIN ANDREWS IS OVER.


I'm not going to go as far as this guy and claim that Erin Andrews is not hot.

(I will however, give this guy credit for helping to expsoe the fraud that is the chick who stars in "My Boys." And while we're at it, allow me the chance to mention how wretched "My Boys" is. Easily, and this is not close, the worst show on TV. Anyway, back to Erin....)

Erin Andrews is attractive. Enough so on the surface, that I put her in the Top 153. But beauty, I've often said, goes beyond what's on the surface. And we learned today that this is where Erin Andrews falls woefully short.

Erin was supposed to be on the air with my friend and colleague Alan Cutler yesterday morning. She stiffed him. She was supposed to be on again today. Again, she refused to answer her phone. These things happen, though I usually think enough of the commitments I make that if I say I'll be somewhere, I answer the bell, and unlike Erin, the phone. Anyway, dogged in our pursuit of getting Erin on their air, I put Chuges the intern in charge of getting her on my show. He tried repeatedly, as any good reporter, including Erin, would. Chuges was relentless in his pursuit, calling regularly, leaving messages, and even sending a text. The number one rule in pursuing interviews is to battle any obstacles, including busy signals, miserable handlers, and someone not answering their phone.

Finally, Chuges' persistence was rewarded when Erin returned his call, but instead of going on the air and fulfilling her obligation to both us, and to the party who offered her to us, by doing the interview, she proceeded to tell him that he was rude for calling her and then blamed Chuges for interrupting a conference call.

If Erin simply couldn't go on the air, if an emergency arose, common courtesy dictates that one would break off a phone call, and let us know. We deserve that. You deserve that. Erin Andrews , herself dependent on other making and keeping commitments, knows that.

The problem is, all good-looking women act like this. They break dates, show up late. Ignore phone calls, and we consistently let them get away with it. We often kick our buddies to the curb in favor of some hot chick who's likely to treat you as Erin treated us. And who ends up getting the raw end of the deal? Us. And we continue to tolerate it. Until now.

So we're done with Erin. I know there's essentially a national obsession with this woman, but the fact of the matter is, there are a number of equally qualified, and more attractive women to focus our time and energy on. So no more Erin in this space. We're all about Rachel Nichols, Jenn Sterger, Jamie Little, and locally for that matter, I'm sure Tara Pachmeyer would be happy to come on with us.

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THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE SAVE IS DEAD
Jerome Holtzman kicked it at age 82. The inventors of the sack and the batting average send their regards.

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PLEASE GOD, MAKE IT STOP
Michelle Wie is gonna try and play with men. Again. Despite the fact that she's not remotely qualified. It's like if I decided I was gonna syndicate my show.

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HEADLINES I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE TO SEE
Woman Charged with Peanut Attack

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THANK YOU, MARVIN
From Trent's blog.....

Marvin Lewis said there is no interest (in Chris Henry) from the Bengals.

"I'm not interested," Lewis said. "It's not productive for our football team. You have to be a productive part to be an NFL player. There are responsibilities of being an NFL football player. It's not a right."

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RUNNING BEHIND. HERE'S SOME TOPICS. YEA.

If I'm an Ohio State fan, you know who's comments I'm not too concerned with? Carson Palmer.

Coco. You get what you pay for. His save % heading into this year was 79%. This year....77%. What's the problem?

Meanwhile, David Weathers does a nice job in the eighth getting out of trouble. Yet, the next time he has a bad outing, we'll be screaming for his head.

Dusty lets Josh Fogg bunt in the 7th. I officially am convinced he's not paying attention.

This team's baserunning is still offensive.

Thank you Mike Celizic.

Really?