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John McCain or Barack Obama... barring some sort of Third Party miracle, one of these two men will be the next American President, and honestly, I'm frightened.  There's more to being President than making speeches that promise change, universal healthcare, fighting terrorists, or saving the Earth.  The President of the United States is expected to throw out ceremonial first pitches at baseball games.  Think that's easy?  Just ask Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory.  He became the laughing stock of the nation because of his first pitch antics.  Just imagine if he had been President instead of simply an ineffective mayor.



Woodrow Wilson throws first pitch

In 1910 William Howard Taft began the tradition of a President throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.  Back in those days, the President threw the pitch from his box seats.  It was quick and effective.  The President stands, raises the ball over his head, and flings it at the home team's catcher - bada bing it's done. 


John Kennedy throws first pitch

But somewhere down the line the bar was raised.  Presidents stopped throwing the first pitch from their seats, and instead climbed the pitcher's mound and threw the ball 60 feet, 6 inches.  Reagan did it.  Clinton did it.  Say what you want about our current President, but no one can deny his ability to throw a heater over the plate.  Quite simply, there's no room for a weak**** candy arm in the Oval Office... and I fear we're about to get one.


Ronald Reagan throws first pitch

To me, John McCain doesn't seem to be terribly athletic.  His body paid a serious price while he was held in the Hanoi Hilton, and let's not forget he's no spring chicken.  He could probably toss one from the stands like in the old days... but this is the new America, where we expect a President to be able to throw a strike.


Bill Clinton throws first pitch

Barack Obama looks athletic... that is until you see the video of him bowling.  Oh my God... I've seen Special Olympics kids with better coordination.  The word is, he bowled a 37.  37?   Six year olds at bowling alley birthday parties roll better than that!  If he can't Roll a ball straight, how in the world will he ever THROW a ball straight? 


George Bush throws first pitch

I've looked, but was unable to find any video of either man throwing out a first pitch.  I'm not surprised.  It could be that the incriminating evidence was destroyed, or neither man has ever had to knick-knacks to try to thrown one.  The President symbolizes America's strength and might.  Either of these two are likely to make our nation look like Canada... all their Prime Minister has to do is drop the first puck.   Where's Hillary now that we need her? 

That's right, I was granted a very rare one on one interview with the 2008 Beijing Olympic flame.  Under extreme security measures, I was granted five minutes to question the Olympic flame.  As no less than five heavy armed members of the People's Revolutionary Army filled the flame's tiny room, the symbol of athletic peace unloaded!   

SS:       I want to thank you for this opportunity.

OF:      Just so long as you don't try to extinguish me like all of those other jackholes.

SS:       Of course not.  I have a great deal of respect for the traditions and ideals the Olympic stand for.

OF:      Well thank God someone does.  The Olympics have nothing to do with political strife.  The Olympics are about athletes who have dedicated their lives to their sport competing to see who is best. It's supposed to be two weeks that rise above petty differences and biases.  And time for Nike, Coca Cola, IBM, Budweiser, and FedEx to fill the airwaves with teary-eyed, uber-schmaltzy commercials.

SS:       Are you saying the Olympics have become too commercialized?

OF:      No.  Without those corporate dollars I wouldn't be able to fly around the world first class.  Plus, lets face it, Bob Costas doesn't stay at the Motel 8.      

SS:       Lets get to all the trouble you've faced in Britain and France.

OF:      Ain't it a load of crap?

SS:       How so?

OF:      What the hell do I have to do with Tibet?  Nothing.  Leave me out of it.

SS:       Some people think that China should leave Tibet.

OF:      You know it's time for these Tibetans to suck it up.  Sorry, but they lost and the Chinese won.

SS:       That's pretty tough talk.

OF:      Do these same ass clowns who are trying to douse me want to give England back to the Romans?  Texas back to the Mexicans?  France back to the Barbarians?  The whole Mediterranean back to the Greeks?  No.  It's all because of these hippie do-gooder burn-outs with "Free Tibet" bumper stickers that I have to run a gauntlet of dumbasses.

SS:       Don't forget Richard Gere.

OF:      Don't get me started on Gerbil Boy.

SS:       What about the Dali Lama?

OF:      Lets see, when the Chinese marched into Tibet, he snuck out in disguise.  Gee, did Washington run away screaming like a little girl when things got tough?  And let's say Dali did stand his ground and get hurt, what's the worst thing that could happen to him?  He'd be reincarnated as the next Dali Lama, big freakin' deal.   

SS:       I'm sensing some hostility.

OF:      You're damn right.  I've got a series case of the ass.  This is just the beginning.  Thanks to these sack-wads, now any kook with a gripe will try to make his point by attacking the Olympic flame.  It makes me long for the good old days.

SS:       You mean ancient Greece?

OF:      No, I was thinking the 1988 Winter games.  That Katrina Witt was a real hellcat - yeow!

That's right, I was granted a very rare one on one interview with the 2008 Beijing Olympic flame.  Under extreme security measures, I was granted five minutes to question the Olympic flame.  As no less than five heavy armed members of the People's Revolutionary Army filled the flame's tiny room, the symbol of athletic peace unloaded!   

SS:       I want to thank you for this opportunity.

OF:      Just so long as you don't try to extinguish me like all of those other jackholes.

SS:       Of course not.  I have a great deal of respect for the traditions and ideals the Olympic stand for.

OF:      Well thank God someone does.  The Olympics have nothing to do with political strife.  The Olympics are about athletes who have dedicated their lives to their sport competing to see who is best. It's supposed to be two weeks that rise above petty differences and biases.  And time for Nike, Coca Cola, IBM, Budweiser, and FedEx to fill the airwaves with teary-eyed, uber-schmaltzy commercials.

SS:       Are you saying the Olympics have become too commercialized?

OF:      No.  Without those corporate dollars I wouldn't be able to fly around the world first class.  Plus, lets face it, Bob Costas doesn't stay at the Motel 8.      

SS:       Lets get to all the trouble you've faced in Britain and France.

OF:      Ain't it a load of crap?

SS:       How so?

OF:      What the hell do I have to do with Tibet?  Nothing.  Leave me out of it.

SS:       Some people think that China should leave Tibet.

OF:      You know it's time for these Tibetans to suck it up.  Sorry, but they lost and the Chinese won.

SS:       That's pretty tough talk.

OF:      Do these same ass clowns who are trying to douse me want to give England back to the Romans?  Texas back to the Mexicans?  France back to the Barbarians?  The whole Mediterranean back to the Greeks?  No.  It's all because of these hippie do-gooder burn-outs with "Free Tibet" bumper stickers that I have to run a gauntlet of dumbasses.

SS:       Don't forget Richard Gere.

OF:      Don't get me started on Gerbil Boy.

SS:       What about the Dali Lama?

OF:      Lets see, when the Chinese marched into Tibet, he snuck out in disguise.  Gee, did Washington run away screaming like a little girl when things got tough?  And let's say Dali did stand his ground and get hurt, what's the worst thing that could happen to him?  He'd be reincarnated as the next Dali Lama, big freakin' deal.   

SS:       I'm sensing some hostility.

OF:      You're damn right.  I've got a series case of the ass.  This is just the beginning.  Thanks to these sack-wads, now any kook with a gripe will try to make his point by attacking the Olympic flame.  It makes me long for the good old days.

SS:       You mean ancient Greece?

OF:      No, I was thinking the 1988 Winter games.  That Katrina Witt was a real hellcat - yeow!

The troubled life of Chris Henry continues.  Now accused of assault and attacking a Japanese automobile with a beer bottle, Chris Henry finds himself once again in a prison uniform.  Because of that, he won't be wearing a Bengals uniform.  The following mock interview with Chris Henry was conducted in the Hamilton County Justice Center before his court appearance.

SS:       Why do you keep getting arrested?

CH:      Don't ask me.  Ask the police.  They're the ones that keep busting me.

SS:       Do you think the police are intentionally targeting you?

CH:      Hell yes.  Why else would I be in jail so much? 

SS:       Maybe because you keep breaking the law.

CH:      What law?

SS:       Punching someone is illegal.

CH:      Then how's come the cops don't bust in and arrest those UFC fighters during a match?  I watch that stuff, man.  You should see ‘em beat each other.

SS:       That's different...

CH:      ... It's only different because my name is Chris Henry. 

SS:       So tell me, who is Chris Henry?

CH:      I am.

SS:       I mean tell me about yourself.

CH:      Oh.  Well, I'm a football player.  I'm good lookin', all the ladies want me, and I'm very smart.

SS:       On a scale of 1 to 10, how smart?

CH:      I'm definitely a 1.

SS:       But 1 is the lowest and 10 is the best.

CH:      That's bulls---, man.  Since when is being number 10 better than being number 1?  Do you think you can fool me?  I'm Chris Henry, man.

Lack of hussle.  Strike outs galore.  Good thing Dusty is making changes!  What makes anyone think that the same old players are going to change their same old ways?