That's right, I was granted a very rare one on one interview with the 2008 Beijing Olympic flame.  Under extreme security measures, I was granted five minutes to question the Olympic flame.  As no less than five heavy armed members of the People's Revolutionary Army filled the flame's tiny room, the symbol of athletic peace unloaded!   

SS:       I want to thank you for this opportunity.

OF:      Just so long as you don't try to extinguish me like all of those other jackholes.

SS:       Of course not.  I have a great deal of respect for the traditions and ideals the Olympic stand for.

OF:      Well thank God someone does.  The Olympics have nothing to do with political strife.  The Olympics are about athletes who have dedicated their lives to their sport competing to see who is best. It's supposed to be two weeks that rise above petty differences and biases.  And time for Nike, Coca Cola, IBM, Budweiser, and FedEx to fill the airwaves with teary-eyed, uber-schmaltzy commercials.

SS:       Are you saying the Olympics have become too commercialized?

OF:      No.  Without those corporate dollars I wouldn't be able to fly around the world first class.  Plus, lets face it, Bob Costas doesn't stay at the Motel 8.      

SS:       Lets get to all the trouble you've faced in Britain and France.

OF:      Ain't it a load of crap?

SS:       How so?

OF:      What the hell do I have to do with Tibet?  Nothing.  Leave me out of it.

SS:       Some people think that China should leave Tibet.

OF:      You know it's time for these Tibetans to suck it up.  Sorry, but they lost and the Chinese won.

SS:       That's pretty tough talk.

OF:      Do these same ass clowns who are trying to douse me want to give England back to the Romans?  Texas back to the Mexicans?  France back to the Barbarians?  The whole Mediterranean back to the Greeks?  No.  It's all because of these hippie do-gooder burn-outs with "Free Tibet" bumper stickers that I have to run a gauntlet of dumbasses.

SS:       Don't forget Richard Gere.

OF:      Don't get me started on Gerbil Boy.

SS:       What about the Dali Lama?

OF:      Lets see, when the Chinese marched into Tibet, he snuck out in disguise.  Gee, did Washington run away screaming like a little girl when things got tough?  And let's say Dali did stand his ground and get hurt, what's the worst thing that could happen to him?  He'd be reincarnated as the next Dali Lama, big freakin' deal.   

SS:       I'm sensing some hostility.

OF:      You're damn right.  I've got a series case of the ass.  This is just the beginning.  Thanks to these sack-wads, now any kook with a gripe will try to make his point by attacking the Olympic flame.  It makes me long for the good old days.

SS:       You mean ancient Greece?

OF:      No, I was thinking the 1988 Winter games.  That Katrina Witt was a real hellcat - yeow!